In a Breath...

My glance falls to the date on my computer calendar. 15th. Panic begins to rise within me. I catch my breath, trying to stop my thoughts for a moment, trying to prevent unwanted realizations from occurring. The only thing my head screams is “18th”. The date I’ve been dreading for the past 3 months. And here it is. Looming, ominous and foreboding, over me is the fact that in three short days I leave. Again. And I don’t want to go.

Every time I think leaving will get easier. And yet somehow I don’t want to examine my heart because I’m scared of going to a place I can’t return from. I’m afraid of wallowing in the “what ifs” and “if onlys” and not being satisfied with “what is”. But I cannot ignore the paralyzing sensation as I try to muffle the rising hysteria from within. 

What if I never return? What if I never see them again? What if they never know…that is what kills me most. What if they never know how much I love them, how much they mean to me? What if they forget me? What if they are capable of doing what I fear I’ll never accomplish: Move on.

Maybe that is one of the reasons I hate to go. Each time I move away, there is a greater possibility that I will move on emotionally as well. And I’m scared of where that will take me. I don’t want to lose my home. I don’t want to lose those people that mean the world to me now by creating a new world for myself out of preservation. I don’t want these to become “the good ol’ days” just yet. 

My hands ache to hold this moment in time. To hold on and never let go. And as I lay here, paralyzed, afraid, the seconds pass by. Time moves on. I release my breath as I realize: so must I.

To Love...

I wish we were un-inhibited to love. I mean to love radically, devotedly, unreservedly. To love with the love bestowed on Jesus by the Father, the love bestowed on us through Jesus, and the love that Jesus has called each of his children to love with. Sometimes I get a little glimpse of what that would look like. Something deep stirs within me, something stronger than even my own self, and my heart aches with desire to love wholeheartedly. I long to know how to love. I long to know how to cultivate love. I long to pursue love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor    others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

How different would our days be if we were characterized by this kind of love? What a beautiful glimpse of Heaven that would be! Ah, how I long for those little glimpses of Heaven.

Doubt No More!

It seems that after every exciting event, after all the laughter, after all the goodbyes, I lie awake in bed and begin to doubt.

No, not doubt God, not doubt the Bible, not doubt my salvation.

I doubt myself and my friends.

I have found that I must be a very insecure person. I NEED people to like me. And, much to my shame, I want to be people's favorite. Because if I am not liked, and loved, than who am I?

I see people who were (and are) close to me spending time with others, laughing with someone else, or not talking to me during the night, and it's like all my fears come true. “What did I do? Why don't they like me anymore? I'm not as good/funny/sweet. Oh no, I'm not the person they thought I was.”

Or I look back on things I might have done or said and worry: “Why did I do that? I'm too loud. Too pushy. Too fat. Now they won't like me anymore.”

I guess it's because I am finding my identity in other people. If others like me, accept me, enjoy being with me, it must be because I AM a fun person, and good friend, someone people like. But if that is taken away from me, than what is left? Who am I?

I am nothing.

I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing. I wish I could always walk with that knowledge at the forefront of my mind! I am nothing and that will not change by how many friends I have, or how much fun I am to be around. I am not someone special who deserves love and loyalty.

But Christ is everything! Everything! Everything! And in Him I am someone new! I am God's beloved child! I am a conquerer! I am star in the dark sky, commanded to shine!

My identity does not lie in if people love me, or how many people I make laugh. My identity is in Christ. And that identity is unshakable. It will never change. God will not stop loving me. God will not look at me one day and decide I wasn't the person He thought I was when He saved me. God will not decide to abandon me because someone else is more entertaining.

And the truth of the matter is, most of my friends are His children. They are brothers and sisters who share the name of CHRIST. They will not easily forsake me. They will not stop caring. They will not stop loving me.

And it is not fair of me to doubt them. And it is not fair for me to question them. And it is not fair for me to demand their undivided attention. They deserve better than that.

They deserve a friend who will support and love them unconditionally, through think and thin. The kind of friend Christ is, and the kind of friend every Christian should be. And the kind of friends God has so abundently blessed me with.

So I tell myself: Doubt no more!

My God-given, Bona_fide Miracle!

The weeks of the FIEL conference are always exciting times and one of the main things we always note is how many trying obstacles come up, and how God miraculously saves the day! Well, this year, I have my own story to share.

It was the third day into the conference and I was taking the last car from home to the conference site. With me I had our computer, the sound guy (Andrew), my dad's phone (which in his haste he had forgotten) and a couple of other important staff. And we were running late. Add that to the fact that we had no car key, and I'd say we got ourselves into a big, fat, mess. Yup. My dad took the original, and our motorist had the spare. And they were both on the other side of town.

I called my dad (that's when I found his phone) then through a round about way got the message to him that we were keyless and clueless. He told me to check his big key cupboard with literally hundreds of keys, but he wasn't hopeful- he didn't think we had a third set.

We looked anyway and I found one that looked like it could be the right key. We and all our materials piled into the Land-rover, and right before I stuck the key in the ignition I prayed one last time: “God, let this be the key! Please make the car start!” It entered, it turned, and the car roared to life! We made it there just in time before the breakfast rush.

Fast-forward 13 hours, it's the end of the day. We hop into the car to head for home. Only one problem. The key I had used that morning was not working. I pulled and tugged, but neither the wheel nor the key would budge. Thankfully, this time my dad was around, and so he gave it a try himself but nothing worked. It was late and we were tired, so he handed me his set (which worked perfectly) and said he'd check my key out later.

The next morning Dad told me the news... and guess what? The keys I had used that morning were not in any way, shape, or form, the right keys for our land rover.

I was speechless. Yes, I believe in miracles. Yes, I believe God will do marvellous things for His children. But this was a downright, bona_fide miracle-answer to my prayer.

I know some of you Debbie-downers and doubting Thomas' might say things such as- “Well, with an old engine, it is possible....” or “This has often been done before....”

And, granted, I am no mechanic, but here are the two things I know: That morning I prayed the car would start and it did, on the first try, without any problems. That evening, after several attempts, it wouldn't. Even if this stuff does happen occasionally, God's timing was unmistakable.

God gave me a bona_fide miracle...and there's no other way I see it! Alleluia!

A Thread in the Weaving

I want to share to the world - my readers- how God has recently encouraged me.

A couple of years ago I had the huge privilege of helping out at a Rescue Mission. I wrote a blog-post about it (Give Him your future and He will use your past), which just shows God's amazing sovereignty and mastermind! If you haven't read the first post, it tells about a couple of the times I went to the Rescue Mission and specific encounters I had with two brothers and their family.

For some reason out of everyone I met there, out of all the people I met throughout furlough, that family always was on my heart. When I started my prayer cards (motivated by them, actually) they were first on my list.

I lost that prayer card. I haven't been back to the rescue mission for two years. I haven't heard from, or even about them, since that January in 2012. And yet God has never let me forget. I prayed for them both by name. But even as I prayed, I always assumed I would never know if God was answering my prayers.

A couple weeks ago Mr. D from the Grace Missions board came out to visit. He is very much involved at the Rescue Mission and he actually provided ways for me to be a part of it. In telling news about the Rescue Mission he said that a couple of the guys, who have already been through the 9 month program, were actually attending our home church now, and one of them was considering membership there.... And just you try and guess who he was talking about!

YES! The very same family God had put in my heart. Out of all the guys at the Mission, the very two I had been praying for were the ones God placed in our home-church, and who Mr. D had seen grow and develop in Christ.

You can not imagine how encouraged that made me- not only was God answering my prayers, but He was inspiring them, too!

Of course I know that God would have fortified and strengthened those brothers even if I had stayed quiet...but that fact that God allowed me to be a part of this wonderful story, just blew me away. And, oh, how gracious He was to show me what He had planned all along.
As I ended my other blog-post:

Praise be to Him, hallelujah!

Friendship Pledge

I've been thinking a lot about friendship recently. What a beautiful thing it can be. What a beautiful gift it is from God. And yet we often abuse it. If we could love, un-selfishly, as Christ loves, how much stronger and purer and beautiful would our friendships be?

With this in mind, I wrote out what I call my Friendship Pledge. Basically, what it truly means to be a Friend like Christ. 

I'm worried, though, because I know I don't have it in me. Yes, my DESIRE is there- to be THIS kind of friend, to love like Christ- but this is not something you can drum up within yourself. And so before I (personally) sign my name to this for my individual friends, I want to take time to pray. Really pray, that God would enable me to love like Christ.

Friendship Pledge

My duty to You, my Friend

My Love for you will be constant, beyond any temporary circumstance or emotion. I will ‘bear all things,’ loving you, regardless. Regardless of myself. Regardless of thoughtless words, or actions. Regardless of hurt feelings or little squabbles. I will love unconditionally, as Christ has loved me.

My Love for you will be prayerful. I recognize the greatest help I can give you is to bring You before our Father. To pray daily for your strength, encouragement, peace and growth.

My Love for you will be complete, not restricted to one part. I will care for the well-being of your body, mind and spirit. I will embrace you in your joy, in your pain, in your anger, in your sorrow. I will laugh when you laugh, weep when you weep.

My Love for you will be unrestrained. To love in abandon, not fearing hurt or pain. To love fully, purely. I will not hold back on account of selfish vulnerability.

My Love for you will be Trusting. I will trust your hands, in the way you trust mine. I will turn away from any slander or mis-use of your name. I will not be quick to doubt, judge, condemn, but will ‘hope all things’.

My Love for you will play the background. It will not be a showy love, or demanding of your time and attention. But it will always be there. A platform to stand on, to lean on, to fall on. I will be the supporting role, the color that brings out your eyes, the music that enhances your entrance.

My Love for you will be Truth. I will not just look for your happiness, but for your well-being.  To say ‘no’ or shout ‘yes’ honestly in every situation. To advise, council and guide in humility as the need arises.

My Love for you will be Sacrificial. To go the extra mile, the giving of the cloak, and to do so joyfully. To receive the late night calls, to endure the cold rain, to die daily to self, so that you may be comforted, safe, and thriving.

To remain above all, faithful and steadfast in Love.

With the Help of the Holy Spirit I pray these things, in Jesus name

_________________________________

Gold from Ashes

At the Lord’s table yesterday morning we read the passage Mathew 18: 16-23. This, this surely was the darkest hour on earth. The death of our own God, by His own people...my words are too inadequate to describe how it must have been. I am sure in the minds of every Christ-follower present was the aching question: “Where is God in all this?”

Where was He indeed. Everything the disciples had placed their hope, future, trust and hearts in had shattered around them.

The greatest tragedy on earth had taken place. The darkest hour had come, punctuated  by Christ’s piercing cry: “Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani?”

Surely it seemed like their God had deserted them. How could He stand back and watch this happen to His own people and to His own Son?

“Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush Him.” Surely only God, the Master Architect, could carry out so terrible a task and create so incredible an outcome. Soon this calamity would bring-about the greatest Joy. Soon they would see God’s mighty hand at work. Soon He would reveal the hidden picture of eternity’s weaving, and how beautiful it would be!

Everyday there is suffering- Natural disasters, freak accidents, emotional distress, terminal illness. And everyday someone cries: “Where is God in all this?”

But, Oh, the comfort in both knowing that the greatest tragedy has past and experiencing the eternal gift God has given us because of it!

Just what miracles is our amazing God planning to bring-about through our own festering wounds?

Days like Daisy's

Today I heard the story of a precious little princess, whose name is Daisy.

3 years ago a Day like Daisy's would be one full of adventure, learning, love, and so much joy. What else could it be for a five year old girl growing up in California? If you were to ask her what she wanted to be she'd answer with: "An astronaut..or a Warrior for God!"

Little did she know that in a few weeks she would be a warrior- fighting death, and clinging to God for life.

Today, a Day like Daisy's would be filled with chemo, doubt, pain, tears...and prayer, hope, faith. A day like Daisy's...how can anyone of us imagine?

Because today, Daisy is fighting cancer for the third time. Twice she has thought it was over, God had given them victory, and three times they have heard that they must enter the battle yet again.

But do they give up, retreat or surrender? No. Clinging to God as their Captain, and the One who is "The Victorious Warrior," their "Stronghold in the day of trouble", they fight.

And as they fight they realize, that God is not only their Warrior...but He is their Healer....their Comforter. Their Father.

In a Day like Daisy's all one can do is hold on to today, because in a Day like Daisy's tomorrow is uncertain.
In a Day like Daisy's all one can do is stand on God, because in a Day like Daisy's all else has fallen away.

What lessons would I learn if God gave me a life like Daisy's? What truths would be revealed if God gave me a life like Daisy's? What Joy would I cling to if God gave me a life like Daisy's?

Or, even....even just a Day like Daisy's?

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake

To guide the future, as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know

His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

 


To hear the full story: http://prayfordaisy.com/#/daisy-video-daisys-seven-month-journey/

2013 Resolutions...To Whom it May Concern

New Years has come and I'm still running around trying to get my resolutions and ambitions set. I thought a good way to be help keep me accountable is to post it on my blog for the World (you) to see..instead of scribbling in tiny letters in a tiny notebook to be stuffed into a tiny drawer.

So, Ahem, I present to you my 2013 Resolutions (as they stand today)

Each Month:
 1) First, the thing I'm most excited about and determined to do is a Reading list I put together. A friend recommend a book to me, and as I was going through my dad's shelves to find it I kept coming across so many books that I had never seen before. Thus, the List came about to be... Here it is:
   Spiritual Secret (1/3 of the way through!)
   The Joy of Fearing God
   The Soul-winners Fire
   Power through Prayer
   Sovereignty of God
   Not My Will
   Pursuit of God
   Attributes of God
   Loving God with all Your Mind
   Signs of the Spirit
   5 Points of Calvinism
   Created to be His Help-meet
 2) Draw a portrait
 3) Read through Proverbs

Each week: 
 1) Write in the Future Notebook
 2) Specific prayer day for Mosite

Each Day:
 1) Laugh for a minute
 2) Iron chair for a minute
 3) 50 sit-ups
 4) Arm wrestle (hahaha, yes. ;))

Other:
 1) Finish High-school (yeessss)
 2) Get fit (Aha, yes, it did slip in there again!)
 3) Write music
 4) Discover Classical Music
 5) Learn how to cook one killa meal from different cuisines

And of course those Spiritual attributes:
 1) Pray without ceasing
 2) Daily sacrifice self to God
 3) Love, Love, Love
 4) Serve a) God and b) others
 5) Ponder before speaking
 6) Witness like the World's on fire

 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be [the] glory.... Amen

..Reflection..

As much as it may seem to be, this is not a call for comments telling me how special I am and how much I mean to the people around me.

Maybe, maybe it has a hint of “pity party” to it.

But I think, more than that, it is just this: Truth.

So after evaluating my feelings (is this just an emotional reaction) and weighing the outcome (what will  your response be) I have decided (yes, it is true) to post about what has been weighing on my mind-and heart.

I am a “friendly” person. I love people and am not shy- so basically, the first time we meet, you will probably leave with a strong, mostly-accurate, opinion of who I am.

And--here I hesitate-- but you will probably like me. Or at least leave with words like “Bubbly, excited, talkative,” attached to the mental picture of a smiling, jolly, rounded face.

And this makes me happy. (“of course”, you might be thinking, “what doesn’t”?)

But…then…that’s all it is.

And now I watch you, getting to KNOW other people. Finding out about them. Growing, growing each day that you see them. Building from your foundation bit by bit, conversation by conversation. Discovering. Discovering “Who are You, You mysterious Person I have not yet REALLY met.”

My folder is still there, yes, of course. Always there. But sealed. Because, after all, it’s Gracie Woodrow. Everyone knows her.

Maybe, maybe, sometimes it is opened, but if so, it is to hastily scribble a few sides notes, such as: “She got upset.” “She was serious.” And instead of this adding, coloring or shaping my character in your mind, it detracts from it. Because now I’m the happy person…who sometimes doesn’t smile. Or the funny person…who didn’t tell a joke.

I’m not sure how I want this to end.  I’m thankful, I really am. I’m thankful I love people. I’m thankful people love me. I’m thankful that I can make friends in one day.

But, I guess

…….sometimes…….it makes me feel….

lonely