It seems that after every exciting event, after all the laughter, after all the goodbyes, I lie awake in bed and begin to doubt.
No, not doubt God, not doubt the Bible, not doubt my salvation.
I doubt myself and my friends.
I have found that I must be a very insecure person. I NEED people to like me. And, much to my shame, I want to be people's favorite. Because if I am not liked, and loved, than who am I?
I see people who were (and are) close to me spending time with others, laughing with someone else, or not talking to me during the night, and it's like all my fears come true. “What did I do? Why don't they like me anymore? I'm not as good/funny/sweet. Oh no, I'm not the person they thought I was.”
Or I look back on things I might have done or said and worry: “Why did I do that? I'm too loud. Too pushy. Too fat. Now they won't like me anymore.”
I guess it's because I am finding my identity in other people. If others like me, accept me, enjoy being with me, it must be because I AM a fun person, and good friend, someone people like. But if that is taken away from me, than what is left? Who am I?
I am nothing.
I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing. I wish I could always walk with that knowledge at the forefront of my mind! I am nothing and that will not change by how many friends I have, or how much fun I am to be around. I am not someone special who deserves love and loyalty.
But Christ is everything! Everything! Everything! And in Him I am someone new! I am God's beloved child! I am a conquerer! I am star in the dark sky, commanded to shine!
My identity does not lie in if people love me, or how many people I make laugh. My identity is in Christ. And that identity is unshakable. It will never change. God will not stop loving me. God will not look at me one day and decide I wasn't the person He thought I was when He saved me. God will not decide to abandon me because someone else is more entertaining.
And the truth of the matter is, most of my friends are His children. They are brothers and sisters who share the name of CHRIST. They will not easily forsake me. They will not stop caring. They will not stop loving me.
And it is not fair of me to doubt them. And it is not fair for me to question them. And it is not fair for me to demand their undivided attention. They deserve better than that.
They deserve a friend who will support and love them unconditionally, through think and thin. The kind of friend Christ is, and the kind of friend every Christian should be. And the kind of friends God has so abundently blessed me with.
So I tell myself: Doubt no more!
