Shine, little firefly, shine!

The other night while walking outside I saw a beautiful little firefly! I love fireflies! They're so precious. =) I quickly reached through the grass and held the little bug in my hand, admiring its light. Such a tiny little creature, a BUG no less, and yet look at how brilliant it shines! Here in the midst of darkness it shows how beautiful his light can be. I stood there for a while, mesmerized, just watching it walk across my hand. I was going to set it down, but stopped. This was a firefly! I couldn't just set it down any old place! You know what I did??? I looked for the darkest shadow...that way its light could shine all the brighter! I set it down and smiled. Such an itty-bitty thing but how it glowed! I love fireflies. Did I say that already? =)  


Makes you wonder. . .am I being a firefly?

My Deepest Desire...

When people ask me what my dream is, what I want to do or what I want to be, the first thought in my head is: a wife and mom. For as long as I can remember that has always been what I wanted 'to be when I grow up'. And now, more than ever it seems, that desire is in me. I feel like that is when my life will begin, and all this is preparation for taking care of my house and family. I want to be that Proverbs 31 woman who takes care of her family, who is a blessing to her children and makes her husband proud. I want to be there to make our home a refuge and comforting place for my husband when he comes home from work. I want to be able to kiss my child’s knee better and rock my baby to sleep. I want my heart to burst with pride when I look to my husband, and feel protected and loved. This is my desire.

I am struggling right now with what I SHOULD be feeling though. A thought that's been popping into my head so often is, well..what if BECAUSE I want this so badly, God will decide that it's not for me. Maybe I need to understand that HE is my delight and HE should be my desire above all else. And (I know this is true!) that HE is more than enough for me? Am I willing to let that dream die if I have to?

The answer is...well, the answer is a hard one. :) Thankfully, I believe that as a woman (um, girl) God put these tendencies to care and nurture in my heart. I believe, from the Bible, that that is what God designed us for.

But, then again, sometimes Gods plan is for us to be single all our lives (which you can still be AND care and nurture others!). But when I think of a life spent...by myself like that. It seems so hard to face! That is what worries me. I need to prioritize. But how do I do that? God wants me to use these years in ways I won't be able to when I'm married! He wants me to rejoice in Him and find satisfaction in Him! And thankfully, I know I can.

So how do I get my mind off the future family plans and focus on the fact that I can live now? How can I find complete peace and joy in my Savior without feeling like I need my man (whoever, wherever he is)? And how do I know what the right balance is with focusing on God but also not turning away from these natural instincts God placed in me? How do I not feel scared and lonely when I think that maybe there isn't that guy out there for me? It's all soo....confusing.

But is it really? A quote I keep thinking and being reminded of is: if God brings you to it, He will bring You through it. I think it is probably something we've all heard a million times, but it's so true. Whether or not I am going to get married by age 20, or spend my life serving God as a single, and whether or not I go to college or never leave Africa. Whatever it is, wherever it is, I can rest easy. God brought me to it, He will bring me through it.

I don't know what God has in store for me.... But one thing I do know is that His plan is perfect! And His ways past finding out. And another thing I know is that God is more than enough for me! And no matter what happens, I will be completely satisfied if I'm trusting in Him!

But does that mean I can't dream....;)

A Christmas story~

‘No silencio eu Te encontro.’

In silence I find You.

In silence I find You.

In silence I find You.

While thinking on these words and listening to a song I started wondering what it meant. In silence I find You.

‘From far away it looks like any old Christmas in Saimsville.

You can hear the children’s squealing and peals of laughter as they play in the snow, building snowmen and starting snow fights, none of them minding the cold . . . probably because they know inside their homes around the cozy fire is a plate of yummy sugar cookies and mugs of steaming hot cocoa. All around town the sweet smell peppermint and cinnamon wafts through the air mingling with the cheery strains of “Joy to the World” and “Dashing Through the Snow”. Parents, teachers, students, cousins, aunts, and uncles run around town with one thought in mind: where can I find the perfect Christmas gift? The streets and neighborhoods are lit up with brilliant decorations. Everywhere you go you find cheery voices, bright eyes, laughter and love.

You smile happily. Tis the season to be jolly, falalalal--Wait! What’s this? You peer closer.  A little house in a far corner of Saimsville is not lit up. Now that you see it, it is glaringly obvious. You look disdainfully at it. It looks so shameful amidst the glowing lights and beautiful decorations of the town. Oh well. As you were singing: fa-lalalalalala, la, la.

Larry Kurtz sat at his table, looking over his bare house. It was a quiet night. Quiet and cold. Just like the night he had said goodbye to his wife of 49 years. It had been two months till their 50^th when they got the news: she was sick, with only a few weeks to live. But she had embraced it, her faith in God enabling her to get through, and even enjoy, the last few days of her life on earth. Larry cherished every moment they had spent together. God had blessed them with 49 years of pure joy. Sure, there were hard time- like when they couldn’t quite make ends meet and they were scraping the bottom of the money jar, but God had always provided. Larry remembered a particularly hard December. It was Christmas Eve and their son was saying his nightly prayers. . .

“And please, dear God, help mommy to find a turkey for Christmas.” Larry remembered seeing the tears in his wife’s eyes as she kissed their son good night. It was the only thing their son had asked for that year- not for cars and Christmas trees and lights and toys like all of his friends had. All he asked for was a turkey. That night Larry knelt down and prayed, asking God to somehow provide them with a turkey for their little boy. If that’s all he got, Larry knew it would be enough to prove to his son they had not been forgotten.

Early next morning Larry awoke to a knock at his door. When he opened it their stood their young neighbor boy in his pajamas holding up a turkey.

 “Merry Christmas Mr.Kurtz! Mama wants to know if you would be so kind as to take this turkey from us. He was causing so much trouble with all the other turkeys. Keptpeckin‘em and all. So, we had to kill ‘em, but ma already fixed up old Tom for supper. Do y’all wanna take ‘em?” Larry stood dumbfounded. God had done it. God had given them a turkey!

“Well, I think we can find room on our table for him,” Larry said grinning ear to ear.

“Thank you, son. You don’t know what a blessing this is for us!”

“No problem, Mr. Kurtz! Merry Christmas!”

Larry closed the door and whooped, “We got ourselves a turkey!” The excitement in his family’s eyes was priceless. “I knew God would do it, I knew He would.” Larry still remembered his son whispering. That year they had turkey, corn, rolls and gravy. It may not seem like much, but it was the best Christmas that Larry could remember.

Larry finished the last of his tea and sighed. The sound of laughter drifted through the window as a young couple walked by. This Christmas he was by himself. He had sold all his decorations along with most of his other belongings to help pay the hospital bills. All he had was one little star ornament. Painted on it were the words,  ‘In the silence He is there’. Larry didn’t quite know why he had kept that one. But it had always been his favorite. Even in the silence, Christ was there. Larry looked around him; Well if anytime was silent it was now. Normally Christmas would be a time of cheer and laughter in his household. All the excitement! But this year he had no one to shop for, he had no one to dream with, he had no one to celebrate with. It was going to be a quiet Christmas.

The next morning Larry woke up early and sat out on his porch. All was still. Everyone was sleeping peacefully in his or her bed. Larry watched the last few stars, twinkling in the early dawn sky. He wondered about the first Christmas morning so long ago when Jesus Christ was born. It was probably a morning just like this. No big parties and families gathered round to see baby Jesus. No lit up room and excited voices at the birth of the great King. It had taken place in a small manger. Mary, Joseph and some cows. A quiet place.A peaceful place.In his heart Larry smiled. ‘In the silence He is there.’ As Larry lifted his hands and prayed to the Prince of Peace, thanking Him from the still and quiet place in his heart, he heard a familiar voice breaking through the silence.

  “Merry Christmas Mr.Kurtz! Can you take this turkey? He’s been causing us problems. . . .” Larry smiled. This Christmas was quickly becoming second on his list of bests. “Thank You, God,’’ Larry whispered.’

I don’t know if this story ties in with the beginning of my post, but this is where it went.

Have a blessed Christmas y’all! And remember: Even in the silence He is there.

What you WANT to do, and what you GOT to do

Why is it that when you feel so free spiritually you find you’re most tied down realistically? Take the past two weeks for instance.

I guess it all started while having a pity party for myself because I would be ‘sisterless’ and lonely and everyone should pity me, the poor M.K who has lost her best friend. 

While in the midst of trying to gather up sympathy from all those within 200 meters of me, something one of my friends said just kinda hit me.  It was pretty much ‘Get a grip’.

Get a grip. Ouch. I mean, seriously, no wants to hear that they have been acting like a crybaby and there little ‘Woe is me’ act is getting them nowhere. Just let me wallow, ok?

But I want to say thank you to that person…you helped me. One of the advise I had gotten was to occupy my time so that I wouldn’t have to think about how much I would miss my sister and I would have more time to be productive. So, after determining I was NOT going to be a sourpuss anymore I came up with a list of things to do. And guess what?? I was so excited! Planning a Safari Salon, starting a craft/ministry with the Mozambiquan ladies, helping at one of the orphanages here, learning crotchet and so much more! The greatest thing I think I was looking forward to is spending more one on one time with Christ and in His word. When things are stripped away, the greatest gift is that it brings you closer to Him.

I was feeling so positive! So happy and…free. I felt like the things that were IMPORTANT in life I’d have a chance to do!

You want to guess the downer? Uh-huh. Graphs, Nepal, Pascal, Special use dictionaries and the like. Other wise known as—School.

It seems like it’s always sneaking up on me.

To be honest with you I think, well, one can spend their whole life doing school and getting As but miss out on what’s most important. I mean, I know, I know. Education is valuable and I’m grateful for it but if I have to choose between trying to live up to the expectations of a man who thinks I came from monkeys and that life was produced by an explosion OR using the situations God places me in and the time He’s given me to serve others, grow spiritualy, love fully, live loudly, shine brightly then, sorry, mister scientist dude: I pick the latter.

I’m not saying I shouldn’t study, or I’m not even saying I can’t do all those things AND study. But if I CAN’T do the important things in life because the world says I need to be in college by 18, I just don’t see why it should matter.

But it does. I feel like I’m drowning in school, and I feel like I’m such a failure because when we had the church retreat I missed out on two days of school. It matters.

So, why can I feel so free spiritually and like I’m doing what’s important, then at the same time feel like I’m a failure? I guess it part of being a human and living in a human world. The important thing is to make sure you’re not missing out on the most valuable things in life for something that in the end won’t last. I guess what it comes down to is prioritizing your time and what you do with it. I’ll learn it some day.

Uh, gotta go…my science book is making angry faces at me…again. J

I am now a Blogger(Bloggest, Blogga,???)

Ah, yes I am now a blogger.
I'm not sure how consistent I'll be but I hope I'll keep this up.
It's a little strange because for me the diffiniton of a blog has always been a diary online. =)
My goal for this blog will be(you can hold accountable:)) that for every post there should be something positive. That shouldn't be too hard, right? I'll just be posting my thoughts, random writtings, days happenings and I guess we'll see whatever else pops up!
Ok, so I'm going to keep this first post brief. Just saying thanks for reading my blog! =)