My Deepest Desire...

When people ask me what my dream is, what I want to do or what I want to be, the first thought in my head is: a wife and mom. For as long as I can remember that has always been what I wanted 'to be when I grow up'. And now, more than ever it seems, that desire is in me. I feel like that is when my life will begin, and all this is preparation for taking care of my house and family. I want to be that Proverbs 31 woman who takes care of her family, who is a blessing to her children and makes her husband proud. I want to be there to make our home a refuge and comforting place for my husband when he comes home from work. I want to be able to kiss my child’s knee better and rock my baby to sleep. I want my heart to burst with pride when I look to my husband, and feel protected and loved. This is my desire.

I am struggling right now with what I SHOULD be feeling though. A thought that's been popping into my head so often is, well..what if BECAUSE I want this so badly, God will decide that it's not for me. Maybe I need to understand that HE is my delight and HE should be my desire above all else. And (I know this is true!) that HE is more than enough for me? Am I willing to let that dream die if I have to?

The answer is...well, the answer is a hard one. :) Thankfully, I believe that as a woman (um, girl) God put these tendencies to care and nurture in my heart. I believe, from the Bible, that that is what God designed us for.

But, then again, sometimes Gods plan is for us to be single all our lives (which you can still be AND care and nurture others!). But when I think of a life spent...by myself like that. It seems so hard to face! That is what worries me. I need to prioritize. But how do I do that? God wants me to use these years in ways I won't be able to when I'm married! He wants me to rejoice in Him and find satisfaction in Him! And thankfully, I know I can.

So how do I get my mind off the future family plans and focus on the fact that I can live now? How can I find complete peace and joy in my Savior without feeling like I need my man (whoever, wherever he is)? And how do I know what the right balance is with focusing on God but also not turning away from these natural instincts God placed in me? How do I not feel scared and lonely when I think that maybe there isn't that guy out there for me? It's all soo....confusing.

But is it really? A quote I keep thinking and being reminded of is: if God brings you to it, He will bring You through it. I think it is probably something we've all heard a million times, but it's so true. Whether or not I am going to get married by age 20, or spend my life serving God as a single, and whether or not I go to college or never leave Africa. Whatever it is, wherever it is, I can rest easy. God brought me to it, He will bring me through it.

I don't know what God has in store for me.... But one thing I do know is that His plan is perfect! And His ways past finding out. And another thing I know is that God is more than enough for me! And no matter what happens, I will be completely satisfied if I'm trusting in Him!

But does that mean I can't dream....;)