The past two months have been such a sweet gift from God. On May 15(?) my brother and his good friend came out to stay with us for the summer. Personally, I think it was one of the best decisions they've ever made. ;)
All the fun and laughter and joy that filled the house! All the conversations, encouragments and prayers. But it always seemed that at the peak of it all my heart would hesitate- all the happiness that I was experiencing I knew would soon come to an end. And the more joy I felt now, the harder it would be to let go later.
Now, I'm not going to go into the whole Can't Love Can't Hurt/ Hello-Goodbye talk, since I have another blogpost dealing with that, but it is something my mind wrestled with, esp. this week, as it has been one full of goodbyes. On Monday my best friend returned to South Africa, on Thursday our 'brother' (Kent's friend) left, and tomorrow Kent heads out as well.
So today we gather around the kitchen. Mom's rolling out tortillas and I'm making bagels, while the boys and Dad play Citadels around the corner table. Sounds cozy, doesn't it?
And yet...and yet, the smile doesn't quite reach our eyes. Our hearts are weighed down even as we laugh. Our hearts are heavy.
This not an excuse for me to throw a pity party. My joy should not stem from circumstances and people, but from the continuous presence and delight in God! To understand the TOTAL sufficiency of Christ is an amazing thing, but does that mean that it's wrong to be 'heavy hearted'?
You know those seemingly contradictions- like ''God I tremble before you; my heart sings for joy'' verses? Or ''I love you so much, it hurts''? I think I understand what it means. It's like a see-saw: the heavier the one side, the higher the other. The more fun and love and joy I have in my heart because of the memories and people God has placed in this moment, the heavier my heart will be when it comes time to say goodbye. I think the point where you have to worry is if you DON'T feel anything at the end..because that may say something about how much you valued the precious moments and people God has placed in your life.
Today my heart is heavy- and that is why I smile.
you are so gifted!! I experience this everyday...struggle to love because of fear So glad you are able to smile :)
ReplyDeleteThat was... beautiful. Such a wonderful way to put that... it is exactly like a see-saw!
ReplyDeleteGracie, I stumbled upon your blog while reading Hannah's. I'm going through some hellos and goodbyes right now, too, wrapping up a summer internship, briefly returning home, and then heading back to Covenant, so I can relate to that joy-sorrow tension right now. The pain can be sweet because it means that we are richly blessed. It's one of the strange things about living in this world. Incidentally, I prayed for you today, after asking your brother about you and having him express how difficult it is for you to see a number of people leave at the same time.
ReplyDeleteGood post. I do hope to see you again someday!
Janessa, there is nothing so comforting as the thought of someone you barely know bringing you before God! Thank you. I'm glad you were able to relate to this post! That's one of my goals in my blog: to reach out to people who may be going through the same struggels. And I'm sure we'll meet again sometime!
DeleteHey Gracie :) I love the see-saw analogy! I think another side to this is that God is a God who loves to be in fellowship, with himself and with us. And it gives us a glimpse of the separation he felt when the Son died on the Cross, to re-establish fellowship on a permanent and continues basis.
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